100 miles.

IMG_4329.JPG.jpeg

Mountain Lakes 100, 2016 (29:42:19)

I have been working to build for this race for several years.  Josh Gum planted the idea of an ultra in my brain one of the very first times I met he and Wendie.  The idea that I might actually want to try to run a 100 miler was born. Stumbling, cautiously, fearfully — but the idea was solidly planted years ago.

I picked Mountain Lakes 100 specifically last year.  Spencer and Josh both thought it was great choice for a first attempt.  Great race directors.  Local race. It was at a time of year that Spencer, Josh and Wendie could help me.  I had plenty of time to train.  Local running friends had experience with the race/terrain. The biggest training block I would need to make happen was already built in with this summers TransRockies event. It was perfect.

I signed up.  I mean, that is about all the stars you can possibly even ask to try to align.

And they all aligned.

We will ignore the taper tantrums and the pre-race, night-before terrors that fill me each time I get ready to run a race that has a tight cut-off.  My confidence usually heads for the sewer and it’s an all out fight to remember my training and battle my head into a positive position. I am better at this than I have been in the past, but it was pretty intense this time around because this was totally new, unknown and SCARY AS HELL!

I had a few goals going into this race…

  1. Finish before the 30 hour cut off.
  2. As Ken Ward suggested, start slow, then don’t slow down. I wanted to finish strong.
  3. Intermediate goals relating to getting to my crew in certain windows of time.
  4. Mini goals of getting to and from aid stations efficiently and not wasting time.
  5. And perhaps most importantly to me… I wanted to stay happy and smiling and maintain a good attitude.  I get sharp and sometimes snarky when I get scared or embarrassed.  I know it.  And I wanted to be the happy runner from 0-100 even though this was going to be the scariest thing I had ever done.
  6. NAIL fueling.  Stay on Gu’s every 20 minutes.  (For 30 hours…  Yup.  That’s 90 Gu’s.)  Eat solid fuel at aid and with crew. Drink plenty of water.
  7. When I hiked it was to be strong, with purpose and intention.
  8. Run the downs.
  9. Enjoy the experience.  This has been on hell of a journey.  This is about that journey, not about a destination.
IMG_4299.JPG
No better crew.  Anywhere.  Spencer, Josh and Wendie.

0 – 5.30

8 AM.  BEAUTIFUL weather. Off we go!  The first bit of the run is on a rutted forest road. I was running the same pace as a local runner from Corvallis, Roger, who is perhaps the kindest man I know.  We chatted about our strategies, excitement and wisdom others had passed along to us.  I focused on walking the uphills starting early in the race. We wished each other luck. I would spend the rest of the day trying to chase him down.

We got turned onto single track for a bit — winding our way up and over to another forest road that descends for several miles.  Climbing over downed trees, across narrow rock ledges.  I’m told it was a beautiful section.  I was carefully watching my feet. 🙂

5.3 – 11.4

We hit aid station one and I checked in quickly and kept going.  The next section was forest road and all down hill.  SO RUNABLE!  Shaded, smooth, easy.  I was focused on running this with ‘no effort’.  I had been told by some of the experienced runners that if at any point in the first 50 miles of a 100 miler you even begin to question whether you’re pushing too hard; you ARE working too hard. Back off.  So as I ran comfortably down hill I tried to stay aware of it just being chill and easy.  Chatted with some great folks around me.  We’re all pretty fresh and hyped up to be doing this thing!

11.4 – 20.75

Hit aid station two and made my first mistake.  Knew that the climb back out was long  (9 ish miles, 2,600 feet of climb) and thought I had enough water in my hydro to make it and get out ahead of a pack of people onto the single track.  I would discover about mile 18 or so that I was out of water, it was warming up and that my fuel choice doesn’t do well without water.  I puked up one Gu, then skipped one — so went early in the race for over 40 minutes without fuel or water.  That is just DUMB. I had pulled out my trekking poles and was using them to work the uphills.  This is the first of many times I would slam my toes into a rock. I got to run a section of it with my friend Rita which was wonderful.  Hiking with intention. Staying focused on getting the first 25 miles done and done well so that I set a good tone for the rest of the race…  I felt like I was settling into and enjoying the task at hand.

20.75 – 26.05

Running back to the lake.  Familiar roads.  Water on board.  Fuel going down. And I was getting super excited.  It was runnable roads BUT way more important was the fact that I WAS HEADED TO MY CREW!  This is the first spot I would see them.  Weeks of tension about getting to the start line, starting the race, had evaporated and I was simply overjoyed at the thought of seeing Spencer, Josh and Wendie.  About mile 25.5 I HEAR Wendie’s familiar WHOOP WHOOP and ‘THAT’S MY GIRL!’  She runs up to me with flatted coke in a polka dot cup.  I could have kissed her.  I was smiling ear to ear and she led me through the Olallie Lake aid station toward our crew car as I was handing her my pack. Spencer was running up to see what else I needed.  I should have been calm and thoughtful.  I was spastic and erratic and thrilled!  MY FRIENDS WERE THERE.  They stayed focused — THANK GOODNESS — and got me re-fueled, watered, stocked up, dealt with some potentially annoying chafe in the hind-end area 🙂 and back on the trail quickly.  Of the entire race — that thrill of seeing those faces I love so dearly that first time, starting nerves gone, a smart race started… It remains one of my favorite snapshot memories.

26.05 – 29.15

There’s a thing in Ultra running called ‘Bonus Miles’.  It’s when you get lost/go off course. It sucks.  I got about .5 of a bonus mile.  I left my crew and simply missed the turn for the next segment.  A car was parked right in front of the entrance to the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT) and the perfectly marked trail.  I’ll forever be grateful to the angel who got out of her nearby car and chased me down in her flip flops and got me turned around.  I only lost about .5 of a mile.  But I had to work to not let that little detour shake my confidence. Back on course, I started running on the exposed ridges of the PCT and realizing that I would see my crew again shortly — then not again for hours. Josh had told me to spend the run segment organizing my thoughts around what I needed for nightfall.  I did just that.

29.15 – 36.65

Made sure I had pants stuffed in my hydro pack and changed my shirts . For me this was a big deal… Quickly, publicly, stripping down to a sports bra at an aid station in front of a bunch of strangers. Was going to just leave things alone, but Spencer pointed out, my entire shirt front was wet from a leaky water nib on my hydro pack and I was headed back into what was going to be a dark and cool run.  Shirts changed, fuel on board, headlamp/torch in the pack — I was off again in a matter of a few minutes.  These next miles were enjoyable, runnable. Great people.  I wasn’t even watching my Garmin.  I knew I was comfy and doing well and being smart about choosing how to tackle the terrain directly in front me. I have a feeling the scenery was beautiful.  I was too scared to take my eyes off my feet.  But I was feeling strong, confident and comfortable.

36.65 – 43.85

I hit the aid station.  Grabbed some solid food.  Filled up my hydro and scrambled out fast. Same as the previous section — I couldn’t believe how easy I was moving and I was well over the 50K mark.  I was starting to feel pain and fatigue and my feet were starting to feel every rock on the path, but I felt pretty darn good all things considered. That was a strong confidence boost.  I knew I was supposed to be getting miles put down while the sun was still up and I could see what I was running on.  I knew things would naturally slow once I was using a torch.

43.85 – 49.35

I had to put my headlamp on, the lead runner finally came charging toward me and I had yet again kicked a rock.  And this time I kicked a very sore toe and went down to my knees trying to catch my breath.  Not depressing or defeating in anyway — but the growing cautiousness and pain around my feet coupled with the darkness slowed things down a bit more than I wanted. This is where I got aggressive with my trekking poles.  I let them do the work. It sounds funny — but I kinda/sorta ran this section using my arms.  I would bear my weight on the poles to get a little hop/pop over rough terrain.  It was entertaining and distracting.  Returning lead runners were starting to come towards us and in the dark — those oncoming torches were beautiful and deeply comforting.  You know you’re headed in the right direction if returning runners are coming toward you. I got to the aid station and my friend Jason Leman was there!  Hugs, chatter and encouragement.  I told him I was fighting nausea from all the GU.  He encouraged me to drink some Ginger Ale and eat some solid food before leaving the station.   I did all of that and almost instantly felt better. I was out of there fast… Because the next section…

49.35 – 54.65

This next section was all about getting to Wendie, my pacer.  This section was dark, descending, technical — so I moved as quickly as I could.  I needed to get to the aid station as much before midnight as possible to grab Wendie and head out on a 16-mile loop. My plan was to use this section to give us as much of a time buffer as I could, without wasting so much energy that I was not able to finish the dang race.  I ran this segment alone, except for a few oncoming runners.  It was really dark and lonely and I started to wonder how I was doing with time; had I slowed too much in the dark?  Your mind plays tricks on you in the dark.  You hear things, you worry you’re lost, you lose track of time, you can’t do basic math.  You wonder why you’re doing this crazy thing.  No significant low at this point, just starting to wonder how the rest of this adventure would play out if I was behind the pace and with my feet getting increasingly sore.  Instead of recalling the plan I created and forcing those ideas in my head — I was starting to understand and accept that the story of this adventure was actually being written as I ran and that I only had control over my own forward motion and how I reacted to whatever happened…

54.65 – 60.65

I heard Spencer yelling for me as I neared the aid station. I think hearing him say my name out of that pitch darkness was one of the BEST sounds in the world.  It was right around 11 PM.  I’d been working the race for 15 hours. Spence asked what I needed and I said I needed him to look at my foot – just in case whatever was happening was something we could easily fix and relive some pain. I asked for ibuprofen.  And solid food.  I asked him if I had slowed down too much in the last segment and had ‘screwed myself’ from being able to get around the lake before the cutoff.  ‘Absolutely not, you’re right on target. You are doing great!’ He sprinted ahead yelling ‘Betsy’s in…’  I got up the trail to the road and the aid station was to the right.  My beloved crew was directly to my left.  And friends Kristie and Tony — total happy surprise! – were at the road cheering and yelling for me.  I don’t know for sure — but I think I tackled both of them and a few other people in fierce, quick hugs.  I was happy to see people! Sat in the chair.  They took my shoe off and said my toe looked sore, but it looked fine.  (No one said it – but ‘SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP’ was thick in the air!) It looked normal. Huh. Felt horrible.  We changed socks while my shoes were off.  Spencer crammed food in my hands and told me to get a move on. My Wendie girl, took off in front of me leading me to the aid station and calling out my number and moving right on through.  With one critical stop to grab a big hug from my friend Jami Sutter for about 20 seconds.  Jami whispered fiercely in my ear ‘YOU HAVE GOT THIS!’ We were off again, we chatted and ran and moved quickly the first mile.  I had to stop.  Uh… I was just gonna pee.  But my body had other ideas.  I was only about 12 inches off the trail.  It’s funny as all get out now, but at the time it was — well… Actually it was funny then too.  We got back on the trail and about a mile later paired up with Roger and his pacer John for some spirited and funny conversation for several miles.  We had a great time trying to stay in front of them and a few other runners – and then later trying to catch them.  The time and miles FLEW by with Wendie leading the way.  We got to a series of bridges.  I was leading and I stepped of the edge of one and yelped.  I called back to Wendie ‘STEEP DROP OFF!’.  She followed me – and when we turned around the drop was about 7 inches tops.  I knew then that I was fatigued and it was only going to get worse…  Everything was feeling exaggerated. It was a funny moment that had us laughing at the absurdity for several miles.

60.65 – 66.25

In and out of aid in about 90 seconds. Wendie ran ahead and took charge of simply getting me what she thought I needed.  Perfection.  We are trying REALLY HARD to not waste time.  On this section we’re on the other side of Timothy Lake on sweet, groomed, single track and headed back to the Dam.  Spencer and Josh are going to be at the dam.  Wen is singing, I’m chewing Big Red gum after violently gagging on an orange gel. Wendie coaxing me gently and then not so gently to keep moving at a decent clip.  “The boys are waiting for us. Let’s surprise them and get there early.” If I were more experienced or perhaps in better shape or it was daylight — this section was really runnable.  I was hiking as fast as I could and jogging in stretches, but I couldn’t string together any decent length runs….  My feet were sore.  I started to feel like my legs needed instructions to work –and it was taking a lot of brain power to keep them moving. I start to feel like my left shoe is tied too tightly.  I mention this to Wendie.

66.25 – 70.95

As we arrive to the wildly lit up Dam we are treated by a great, white, full moon… Josh was mooning us as we arrived to the station. A sight I may never be able to clear out of my brain. 🙂 Josh encouraged us to run on the flat asphalt while we could and he led us to the car where Spence had everything set. Changed out of my my dying Garmin to Spencers Garmin, as mine was dying and I wanted to track this whole monster. 🙂  Wendie had to help me put on running pants because I was finally cold and I couldn’t bend and we didn’t want to take my shoes off.  *Picture this*  In the dark, everyone has headlamps on. we can hear a music from the aid station behind us.  Spencer was force feeding me Top Ramen out of a hydro flask. I’m emptying my pockets on my hydro pack/changing watches/eating. Wendie was trying to remedy the fact that my torch had died.  Josh was taking care of getting Wen ready for the next section.  *THAT PICTURE*.  That is another snapshot in my head and heart of all my favorite peeps taking care of each other to get ONE of us to their goal… I know that’s odd, but this image proved to be a silent, powerful, emotional moment that I would pull up and look at in the coming hours.  Spence and Josh inform me that time is ticking — and we have to keep moving. And they tell me that when we get to the next aid station — Wendie is done pacing, Josh takes over and we’re not stopping for much of anything except essentials.

Wen and I take off for the next rendezvous point and this section is where I finally hit a low.  A quiet, mind-bending wonder at what I was doing and whether I could leg out another 30+ miles, with over 3,000 foot of climb and do it before a cutoff…  It was not sadness.  I know that I have run smart and hard and done everything as right as I possibly can to this point.  I know that if the plug got pulled at this point on the race — I ran a great one.  But there is a sense of heaviness.  Daunting.  Fear. I knew that what is in front of me is really what this beast is all about and I am starting to worry that maybe I am not entirely up to the task…  Wendie’s doing everything she can to coax me to stay present.  Reminders to breathe.  Asking me what hurts.  Offering me gum and food. Singing songs. Finally she just says ‘you OK being quiet with your pain B?’  I say yes. I don’t know exactly how to tell her I can keep handling the physical pain — it’s my head I’m battling.   I don’t have to tell her — she knows me.  I am afraid putting it into words will make it real. So I stay quiet, grappling to find a positive foothold to climb out of this particular low spot. We hit the aid station faster than we thought we would, which was so exciting!  Spencer runs out to greet me as Wendie runs ahead to alert Josh to get ready to run.  I quickly tell Spence I’ve hit my first low. He says it’s OK, you know these are part of what happens, keep moving forward, keep breathing through it. We don’t talk about it; but Spencer knows that some of this ‘low’ is tied to the new pressure of actually getting through the aid station before the cut off. And yes that sounds weird — but here’s the deal; if I miss the cut off THEY end my race.  The decision is out of my hands if I miss their cut off.  If I make the cut off — which I did! – it’s all on me to make it or break it to the finish line.  I want the finish line.  With all my heart I want that finish line.  The low was simply a new set of emotions setting in to keep me company for the rest of the trip.  I tell Spence that the ‘mantra/idea’ working for me is ‘SHUT UP BRAIN, your legs know how to do this work, get the hell out of your own way and let your legs run the way you were trained…’  I would tell myself that over and over and over for the next 10 hours.

70.95 – 76.25

We arrive to the aid station quicker than we thought. It’s 3:45 AM.  I needed to be through the aid station by 4:00 AM.  Wendie had helped me shave 15 minutes off the trip!  I hug Wendie, grabbed some food. Josh and I waste no time and hit the trails.  We would only be about a mile or two in and we start a climb. A big, long climb. I am slowing with each step.  Taking smaller steps.  Dragging my trekking poles instead of using them. Josh is beginning to run through numbers for me, paces and times.  I suck at math, especially when I am trying to run. BUT I know that what he is telling me is I have to keep moving – and I have to keep moving faster than I’m currently moving or we can’t make the finish line.  Anxiety and panic smash into my chest. In the dark.  With Josh coaxing me to move faster.  And I begin to cry.  I’m quiet and crying for miles. Josh is reminding me to use my trekking poles to help myself on the uphills. He would have to remind me to use those damn trekking poles for the next 30 miles.  He is reminding me to keep moving and eat and drink.  He already has his hands full and we have 9+ hours more to go.  I start to feel deeply guilty and realize that when I asked Josh to pace me on this adventure I had NO IDEA what kind of runner I would be.  I did not realize AT ALL how much work I was going to be asking him to do.  We are running back on the PCT toward Olallie Lake, in theory this should all be familiar.  It’s dark and not feeling familiar at all.  My brain is relieved to have someone else in charge and I understand that I am not able to make small, easy decisions at this point.  I know it.  I’ve abdicated responsibility for myself into the hands of someone I trust. And I’m using my energy to fight the mental fog and fear in my brain and just stay present.  Josh has to remind me several times — all we have is right now, this minute.  He would say ‘Hey, B, are you here with me?’  I would say ‘no…’ or ‘Not sure’  he would say ‘Get here.’  And I would work to breathe and stay focused on getting one foot in front of each other up that endless hill.

76.25 – 81.75

This aid station straddles the trail and we literally ran straight through.  Not stopping at all.  We kept moving in the dark.  I think this is about when we started to get some day light.  Josh would say we had to run the flats and he would have to coax me every single time. I’m still fueling good.  I had to pee again.  And again… My body had other ideas.  I can only laugh that I have now pooped in front of the entire Team Gum.  But the best part was that I am 70ish miles in and squatted and did NOT fall over, fall asleep or need help standing back up.  I had been warned by other female ultra runners that squatting might become an issue late in the race — and it never did for me. As we’re heading into the aid station a few things happened. We’re on a LONG SUSTAINED climb.  I’m slowing down.  A runner and pacer pass us and they make small talk.  They comment about how they’re moving as fast as they can and basically indicated we should be moving that fast or anyone behind them won’t make the finish line. That comment breaks down the fragile barrier I had oh-so-carefully-constructed in my brain.  For the next 20+ miles I would now obsess about times, paces, miles and time of day.  I am very aware that I am racing time.  I was aware of it at 8:01 the day before when I started the race.  I knew it. BUT this comment throws that old-fiendish lens of fear over the top of every moment.  We finally see the aid station and Josh tells me ‘run to the station and you can sit in the chair for 2 minutes.’  I am an idiot – and a sucker – and tired – so I run. 🙂  I flop in a chair after grabbing a fig newton and JASON Leman appears!  He hugs me.  Reminds me I can turn off my torch. Helps me figure out where to stow it in my pack.  He lies to me telling me how great I look and how strong I am and how well I’m doing.  I will forever love him for that much-needed, positive exchange. This becomes another one of those moments I’ll never forget. Josh tells me time is up and we leave.  I want to cry.  I want to stay.  What happens if I just stop running and leave the race…?  Will my friends still love me? I realize this is NOT HELPFUL THINKING.  I know that I need to stop thinking about quitting and start thinking about how to keep the pain from commandeering my thoughts and focus entirely, solely on that finish line…

81.75 – 88.95

This is where I hit a low.  And I feel like I stayed in this low to about mile 99.9999.  I fought every step.  I cried.  I sobbed.  I kept moving.  Josh at one point said ‘how’s your heart?  How badly do you really want this?’  He let me stew,  he would change topics, he would remind me to eat, he would coax me to run and he was never more than about 5 feet away.  The sun is up, it’s warming up.  I’m trying to run – but I am also very aware that every step is jarring.  I start this involuntary response that has to be tied to pain, I’m now involuntarily whimpering and groaning with every step.  I try to stop it – and I can’t.  It’s annoying me.  I mention it to Josh and he says ‘JUST LET IT HAPPEN.  It’s OK.  This is painful and tough and there’s no judgement and if it propels you on — great!’  I’m just confused that I have no control over it. Other runners are passing us and I’m crying and whining and making these guttural groaning sounds with every step. We’re headed to an aid station.  Josh reminds me that we really don’t need anything and we should really keep moving  He’s not panicked about the time, but he’s watching it, adjusting for the fact that I’m slowing down in each segment.  This segment was about equal parts of rolling ups and downs.

88.95 – 96.45

It’s warm.  I’m thirsty and running out of water because all of the sudden I can’t get enough to drink. Fueling is still on target because Josh is simply handing me fuel at this point and I’m not arguing.  Every once in a while one of the chews/blocks falls out of my mouth as I’m trying to breathe or chew — I get accused of spitting them out. 🙂  I was NOT.  I thought about it – BIG TIME.  And we laugh about that when I admit that I was considering it, but not doing it on purpose. Gu and blocks were gagging me at this point.  But I knew the only person I would hurt by cutting calories was me – and I was already hurting about all I could stand. Bonking — which is largely preventable — would be downright stupid and irresponsible at this point in the game.  We pass a volunteer.  She says 4.4 miles to the next aid station.  WHAT SHE FAILED TO SAY is that it was about a 4 mile climb.  It.would.not.end.   I am whiny and know it. I’m totally annoyed with myself.  I am hot.  Out of water.  Josh is sharing his with me.  I am mentally checking out of the race at this point.  I’m seriously thinking when we get to the next aid station maybe I’ll just stop.  If I throw myself in the bushes or better yet on the ground — I’m 180ish pounds of dead weight; what the hell is Josh gonna do?  I’d show him… 🙂  A few times I was trying – earnestly – to run and I would get 3 or 4 steps in and that’s all I could manage.  Josh would say great job, then quietly a few beats later; let’s try that again. We hit the 90 mile mark and Josh says ‘You’re 10 miles out, you’re doing this — can you believe it?!?’  And the hardcore sobbing begins.  I am literally shaking so hard that Josh has to grab my pack to keep me from tipping over off the trail.  I want to tell him ‘YES!  YES!  I know!!!’  And all I can think is ‘TEN MILES?!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  IT MAY AS WELL BE ANOTHER 100…’ So I just sob and say nothing.  We settle into a patter of me groaning or asking time/pace, distance and whether we can make the finish line in time.  And Josh asking me to eat or run.  It’s companionable.  I haven’t dropped any F bombs in his direction — which is  a major victory. 🙂   I am trying to remember one of my goals was to keep a good attitude…  The climb won’t end.  And when it finally does — we travel for what seems like another 4 miles to the turn off to the last aid station before the finish. We run in, I grab some coke. Josh is filling my pack. I am hiking back out of that aid station, sucking down soda, moving toward the finish line, for all I am worth.

96.45 – 100.95

I wish I could say I was smiling and happy and calm and jogged the last little 5 K to the finish. That would be a great ending to this adventure.  That’s not what happened.  It was a lot of the same from the last segment.  I believe that this segment took us 90+ minutes. Hot/exposed climbs, self-doubt, fear, pain and walking forward anyway.  Running as best I could on terrain that made sense given the hours and wear on my legs and my obnoxiously sore feet.  Out of no where Spencer shows up to run in with us.  I was so, so happy to see him, but I don’t know that I conveyed any of that.  I had a singular focus and it was on ignoring the pain and moving forward no matter what.  Time seemed to stretch out.  I moved slower and couldn’t seem to move faster even with intense coaxing.  People passed us.  All of them were cheering us on.  The trail would NOT END…  Josh finally said at one point ‘You can hike this in and we’re still going to make it.  Do you believe you’re going to finish?’ Again… The stupid, uncontrollable sobbing.  No… I didn’t believe it. Not at all actually.  I think this might have been the point when I stopped, hunched over and was just stopped on the trial.  Josh grabbed my pack and gently pushed me forward and said something along the line of ‘oh no you’re not…’  Spencer said pretty sharply ‘ C’mon Bets. Keep moving. You’ve got this.’ Spencer and Josh were both coaxing me and praising me for my ridiculous stutter step running that was all I could manage.  I had a team of incredible power at my back. A team like none other.  A team that loved me even though I was at the lowest possible point.  And they wanted me to get the finish line. I wanted the finish line. And I would do anything to keep from disappointing either of them… But my mind was DONE and I having to use all my energy to remind my legs to lift and move. Lift and move. Breathe.  Repeat. We had some confusion as to when the trial ended.  Spencer ran ahead to do some recon.  We finally rounded a bend (after about 1.25 miles further than we thought it should be…) and hear Wendie screaming for us!  I’m literally about a 1/4 of a mile from the finish and have about 20ish minutes to spare at this point and I have no response to seeing this amazing woman and friend other than to utter a quiet, somber ‘thank you’…  I can not wrap my head around the fact that I might actually see the finish line before the cutoff after two days of running.  We break out onto the short section of road and my whole crew runs with me.  Spence says “c’mon, let’s run this in.”  We can hear the finish line, see it at this point.  At this point I tell Josh I do believe I am going to finish.  We all gave a small, relieved laugh.  And my friends, my support, the people who carried me to this finish line run with me into a human-made finisher’s chute.

I crossed the line at 29:40:19.

I had 19 minutes and 41 seconds to spare.

I had just attempted and completed my very first 100 miler.

IMG_4352.JPG.jpeg

A week later and I remain overwhelmed by the outpouring of support, encouragement.

I still can’t find the right words to thank Spencer, Wendie and Josh for what they did to get me to that finish line.  Not just race weekend, but over the past 3+ years.  Thank you just doesn’t seem to convey what is in my heart…  And then there are so many other people who helped me along on this journey that I’m afraid by naming one, I’ll forget the others.

This type of endeavor takes a VILLAGE.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

IMG_6117.jpeg

My heart is so, so full.

My feet are sore.

And this feels like the exact, right, perfect spot to be.

IMG_5872.jpeg

 

Remember the moment…

Taper craziness has set in. This event is DAYS away. This was a good reminder of the WHY… I am ready to run. 🙂

betsyhartley392's avatarall bets are off...


IMG_8129 Wendie snapped this pic about two seconds after I clicked ‘YES, I really, really, REALLY want to register for the Mountain Lakes 100 miler!’  This captures the moment, the feelings perfectly.

‘Write a note to yourself while you are so excited. In those rare, fleeting or dark moments when you aren’t excited, you’re exhausted or you feel scared or unsure about what you have just signed up to do, you can look back and read the words, your very own words, and remember this moment…  

Remember the ‘why’.’Peg Herring 

Peg is my mentor and friend who at the same time also said…

‘I do not understand what you have chosen to do. Not at all. But you need to know that I support you 100%.  You can do anything you set out to do.’

So, here’s the note I wrote to myself. 🙂



Bets,

You just signed up for…

View original post 891 more words

Ditching the b*&ch. (Finding joy.)

We’ve been home from Transrockies (TRR) for 3 weeks. I’m still thinking about the incredible experience, missing my new friends and wishing I could just live in a tent and run all day, every day.  I told Kevin Houda, the event organizer, he ruined reality for me. 🙂

This is what I put in my journal as if I was writing it all down for my friend Wendie.  She was hiking in Yosemite at the same time I was in Colorado and I wanted to share all of this with her. So you’re really reading my note to one of my dearest friends.


IMG_3490.JPG
This would be the day that I found joy.  Right after finding a Yeti.  A cheerleading Yeti named Fitzy.

If we’re being honest, I know I have been a grumpy bitch when it comes to running for the past year and a half.  NOT overt, at least most of the time.  And not usually aimed at anyone but MYSELF. But I would so easily and quickly go to the negative if something went wrong, or less than perfect, instead of going to my normal optimistic/positive frame of mind.  I really hope no one on the outside noticed this personality shift, but I am afraid they did.

Well, I ditched that nasty bitch on the trails today on stage 3 of Transrockies.

I have just had, for the 3rd day in a row, the best day running.  Ever.  This just keeps getting BETTER.  I have enjoyed each and every step of each and every run so far.

I’ll set this up for you a bit, in the same way all seemed to click into place for me…

You know I have been working for two+ years to get to the point that I could endure and enjoy six days of running.

This event is 120 miles, 20,000 foot of vertical climb. At significant altitude. (Which, for inquiring minds, does make it kind of hard to breathe when you train at sea level.)

I’m in a tent village of 550 trail runners from around the world, by a perfect/picturesque lake, at Novo Guides/Camp Hale Colorado. Every single person here, from runner to volunteer is 100% supportive of, engaged with and part of the trail and ultra world.  So — I’m surrounded by people who get me and my desire to run really long distances for fun and they want to do the same.

I.  Am.  In.  Heaven. 

Back track a few weeks.  I had that training week from hell.  By design.  I had to do a big volume week to get ready for the 100 miler.  So it was close to 100 mile week – which I have never done. I know that I allowed the fatigue and negative energy from that week of hard physical and mental work to cascade down about six weeks…  To where I finally had a full-on meltdown and told Spencer I never wanted to run again.  I think I also said things like I was selling all of my shoes, never wearing a running shirt again and un-friending anyone who posts about running on Facebook.  It was pretty epic. Totally ridiculous NOW of course, but in that moment – I FELT IT.  Joyless, exhausting and scary as hell.  I felt apathetic.

And apathy, as you know, scares me more than ANYTHING.

So here’s where I have to be really honest with myself.  If I back track a year or so, I have been caught in a low-grade, persistent comparison trap.  ‘She’s thinner’, ‘they’re faster’, ‘he climbs better than I do’, I didn’t hit my pace, I barely finished that run, they logged more miles than I did this week and we’re doing the same race. Oh how I wish I could grab that time back from that grumpy-comparing-bitch that I was. I drove myself crazy.  I drove Spencer crazy. I probably drove you crazy. I’m pretty sure there are some people who I have met in the past 18 months or so who think that this comparing, self-denigrating, self-loathing is my permanent disposition.  It’s not…  REALLY! I’m a pretty happy, optimistic person at my core.

However, when it comes to running this past year/year and a half, I have to admit that I got caught by the throat in this horrible cycle of comparing and beating myself up.

So today… Today I willingly, forcefully, ditched that grumpy, nasty piece of work in a creek as I ran. She made a big splash when she landed. I totally took her by surprise. 🙂

I was running and just sorta started piecing it all together and realized what I had allowed to happen. Realized that this was my chance, my choice, to grab my happy, joyful self BACK.

The creek was cold and swift and beautiful and was the ideal place to let that ugliness quickly and quietly wash away without contaminating anyone else in the process.

I am so happy with that choice and that moment. Goose-bumps, ear-to-ear grin and profound relief. 🙂  I felt free and light and happy and could only think over and over and over again…

‘I FOUND MY JOY AGAIN!  Man.  I missed her! I missed her so, so much!’


I started running for the joy of it all four(ish) years ago to lose weight, gain health and to be part of a community that embraced the lifestyle I was chasing.

I started trail running specifically because…

  • There’s no judgement in trail running.  If you have feet, shoes and desire to learn; SOMEONE is going to be eager to convert you to our dirty side of the world. 🙂
  • You do what works for you.  Period.  I mean, you have to figure it out  – but no one cares what or how you go about it.  It takes ALL kinds. 🙂
  • And you can NOT tell a trail runner by looking at them. There’s a ‘type’ that the elites MIGHT look like, but usually a trail runner is identified solely by their HEART.  It’s what is INSIDE their chest and brain that sets them apart and makes them who they are.

Trail running and the ultra world seem to be full of people working to heal themselves, find themselves, grow, change — those are JUST the kind of people I want to be around.

I ran 24ish miles on Tuesday. Then climbed Hope Pass Wednesday.  Stage 3, Thursday, my legs felt good when I woke up; no aches and pains.  None! And even better?  My MIND was excited to see what the trail was going to be like,  who I would meet on the trails and what I would learn. Today was about legging out another 25 miles in the best fashion I could with some hills and rolling terrain.  No time requirement, no judgement and no real plan other than I would give my best and practice what I have spent the past few years learning. I met GREAT people. I took a pictures.  I just ran, with no Garmin beeping at me, no real plan, no expectations…

I just ran.

And I ran straight toward the joy I used to have in my early days of running.

She welcomed me back like a grateful, forgiving and long-lost friend.


The night before we started to run TRR, Spencer gave me his coaching brief. It usually goes something like this…

‘DO not stop and pick up rocks. No selfies. Limit the conversation – if you can talk while you’re running/hiking, you aren’t working hard enough. Eat often and plenty. Stick to the plan.’

So when he said…

‘Bets, I want you to just breathe, listen and do not respond to what I’m going to say…  This week is going to change your life if you let it.

And then he proceeded to tell me to meet people (ALL the people!), pick up heart rocks, take pictures, talk to volunteers, and just work to enjoy each and every step of the journey…

I listened.

With my whole heart, I listened.

Stage 3 felt life-changing, healing, like a reunion of the happiest kind.

IMG_9479 2.jpeg
THESE women know joy.  Michelle and Andi.  Happy, strong, brave, trail sisters. 🙂

Miles. (Wade, Guest blogger)

This post got dug up a few days ago by one of my friends… I published it over a year ago. It served as a good reminder in the days following Transrockies and the days leading up to the 100 miler that once upon a time I gained weight on weight watchers and walking 2 miles without stopping was a freaking exciting benchmark. Times change. And people can, if they’re willing… 🙂

betsyhartley392's avatarall bets are off...

IMG_2510 Wade and Betsy

Meet Wade!  Not sure how much of an introduction he really needs.  His post perfectly describes the strength and fabric of our friendship.

He is one of the people who has been with me through this entire journey.  He knew me at my heaviest.  He was the very first person I told when I decided that I was going to get started saving my own life…

I could not have done this without him.  You’ll see that for yourself.

It’s all yours Wade…


Miles…

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

~ Lao Tzu


January 27, 2013 at 12:12am (EST)

Betsy: “Think about something… HOW would you even begin to go about the permitting processes for a NAKED 5K? Logistical nightmare.”

That is approximately the 3,700th Facebook message between Betsy and I. She sent it to me, it was the first message in…

View original post 949 more words

I am a trail runner.

IMG_3575-1

I lost myself on a mountain Friday.

And I found myself.

Friday was intensely emotional.  Like the kind of day where tears are all over the place and I seemed to have no way to stop them.  And my heart was busting open.  And I can’t find the right words to explain any of it.

I hate crying in public so I did a lot of hiding in porta-potties and my tent.

Stage 5 of Transrockies. It’s a hard stage. Lots of people struggled with it. I felt strong, it’s the kind of running I like and it involved some serious power hiking (13 miles of it).  I ended the day in 35th for the stage. I have NEVER had a solid result like that. So there’s that little emotional tidbit… I raced my ass off. And it worked. That alone would have been justification for a few tears. 🙂

Then there was another emotional tidal wave occurring during and after the run…

Right around checkpoint 2 I had what I can only describe as a breakthrough.

Except that while it kind of slammed me in the chest and mind; I’m still trying to figure out exactly what in the hell happened.

I went through the checkpoint and grabbed watermelon and small cup of coke. Grabbed 3 Gu’s to re-fill my pack and barreled out of the station. (Spencer’s voice in my head ‘quit dicking around and wasting time at aid stations.)

I left about 30 people in the aid station and was once again by myself.  Every other day I’ve fallen into a similar paced tribe and had great people to run along with.  Today — no one was around.

I was running on a ridge line above Vail, CO. I looked left and right and all I could see was mountains and trees and clouds and some of the most beautiful scenery ever.  It took my breath away how beautiful this country was that I was getting to run in, and see up close.

I started thinking about how THIS IS MY LIFE.  I’m running. In the Rockies.  And I have friends at the camp. And I’ve made some new friends that will be lifelong. And I’m running. I’m hiking.  I’m healthy…

This is my life.

Then the shovel hit me in the face.

I AM NO LONGER A 400 POUND WOMAN.

I’m a trail runner.

I’ve been waiting for the day I would no longer instantly and resolutely identify with my 400 pound former self.  I was always the heavy girl.  I still see myself that way.  Still judge everything against that benchmark. Still startle when I see my reflection sometimes and don’t recognize myself..

I’ve been waiting to see a certain number on the scale, or buy a certain size pants, or — fuck — I have NO CLUE what I was really waiting for to understand that that is no longer my life, no longer my identity.

Along the same vein…  I run.  I only say ‘I’m a runner’ to appease Spencer.  It PISSES him off no end that I run and work out and train and race and refuse to see my self as a runner.

Today on that exposed ridge, in Vail, with no one around.  I ran.  On the dirt.  Bawling.  And gasping for breathe, not just because of the altitude – but because I was totally overwhelmed with happiness and understanding and acceptance.

I kept running and the tears flowed.  I got to Checkpoint 3 and there’s a guy that I’ve become friends with who is an ultra runner —  his name is Mike and he here at Transrockies as a volunteer.  Outlandish costumes, cowbells and loud encouragement at the most unlikely of spots on each stage to cheer on every single runner. And he happens to be one hell of a great guy.  I feel safe with him after knowing him for about 72 hours.  I ran up to him, tears all over my face,  at the checkpoint and said ‘please put on your coach hat and tell me to run the 5 miles down the hill as hard as I can, because I’m tired and I don’t want to run, but I’ve had the best running day possible so far…’  He said ‘RUN! You can do this, I’m proud of you!’.  I grabbed watermelon and coke and again took off.  And proceeded to practice descending down hills — on legs that are tired — just the way Spencer taught me.  I was moving fast and strong and confident on the straight downhill stretches.

Then about halfway down he hill I got passed by Brett.  A runner from Chicago. He’s an athlete who I have been sharing parts of the trail with briefly each day.   By the halfway mark of each day he’s usually way ahead and I won’t see much of him until dinner. He went running past me with about 5 K to go, as I was walking a section sucking down some fuel and said ‘BETSY!  Come on, run!’. I didn’t have a chance of catching him – but it didn’t stop me from trying.

That moment triggered another onslaught of tears — which by the way make it hard to run… But here’s a guy who sees me as a runner.  Not the fat girl. Just a runner.  And he has NO CLUE of my history or background or story.  He just sees me as a runner – who somehow got in front of him late in the race. 🙂

And that shovel of realization hit me again…

The finish line I can hear Spencer yelling for me before I even rounded the corner to the finishers chute.

If there is one person in this world who gets the complicated package of my fat girl psyche and my refusal to identify and OWN my rights as runner — it’s him.

I was crying down the finishers chute and then found him.  Told him – choking on those freaking tears that seem to be cropping up even now — ‘I’m not that 400 pound woman anymore.  I’m a trail runner… I left the fat girl on the mountain.’

I sat in front of Spencers tent much later in the day. We would do a daily debrief and catch-up of how the day went and how we feel about things and what we need to be thinking about for the next stage.. This time was more about my emotional neediness.  Spencer, much to his chagrin, is a security blanket for me. I was emotionally raw and hanging on by the thinnest of threads.  And I couldn’t stand being alone, or being around people who don’t know me or my story at a time when something this big has shifted in my mind and heart and was swamping me.  The conversation meandered around about the day and with me crying and not knowing how to explain what had happened on the mountain – but me needing to know that he, of anyone, understood how HUGE this moment was for me.  He kept telling me to write it all down.  I kept telling him I have no real fucking clue what happened on that mountain – but it was undeniably life-altering.

Here I sit writing (and crying…) trying to explain to anyone else who would possibly care — what happened in Vail on Stage 5 that is going to make a different person tomorrow. And forever more….

Words aren’t going to do this episode justice.  They can’t.  It’s a change of heart.

It’s been a shift a long, long, long time coming. It’s letting go of the familiar and comfortable and the steel anchor that held me back all at the same time.

It’s scary as hell.

I feel totally and utterly confused about exactly what happened on that mountain.   And grateful.  And kind of stunned. Perhaps I’ll never entirely know or be able to explain it.  And I think I’m OK with that.

I woke up Friday morning knowing I could run, work hard, give 100% effort and that it still wouldn’t make me anything other than the former 400 pound woman who took up trail running as a hobby and to lose weight.

I am about to go to bed on Friday night a trail runner.  A trail runner who found running and then it and the people in the trail community helped me save my life. I am trail runner who can lay down a great personal effort because I’ve been trained and paid attention and worked hard — not as payment for past sins.

I am a trail runner.

I left my 400 pound former self on those very mountains that I watched from the airplane all those years ago…

And yes.  I’m still crying.  Just letting the tears flow.  I figure it’s years of fighting and ignoring and denying finally leaving my body… For good.

Saturday is stage 6.  I’m going to fight like hell, run my ass off and enjoy every single STEP of the journey.  I’m going to celebrate finding myself in the Rockies.

I’m going to run some trails.

The mountains are calling… Transrockies here I come!

IMG_6364

‘Each fresh peak ascended teaches something.’ — Sir Martin Convay

I am piling up clothes, shoes and supplies because I am about to pack a bag (several bags actually, because packing light is NOT one of my super powers…) and embark on an adventure.

An epic adventure that I’ve been working toward for the last 2 years. It’s cheesy to say, but it’s kind of a dream coming true moment for me.  I leave in a matter of hours!

My heart beats a little faster when I get asked about it, I break out in a big-ass grin and I have been walking around randomly humming ‘Rocky Mountain High’ (Yes.  I know it’s not just about the mountains. Save the jokes. But I am the girl who grew up listening to John Denver on vinyl… )

I have flown a TON for my work over the years. I worked mostly west of the Mississippi River – flying in and out of Portland Oregon.  My flights commonly hubbed in Denver.  We would soar over the Rockies coming into and out of that airport.  I can remember thinking many, many times as I stared out the window at those incredible mountains…

I wonder what it looks like in those mountains?  What is it like to actually be in those mountains?

How would it feel to climb up on one of those exposed ridges and feel like you could turn 360 degrees and see the ends of the earth?

At close to 400 pounds — looking out the window as we flew over the mountains ranges and simply wondering what the Rockies looked like was the extent of my connection to any of those fabled peaks for decades.

But life has a way of changing. 🙂

I don’t weigh 400 pounds anymore. I’m not a Type 2 Diabetic dragging along a Sharps container and pen needles. I don’t get winded and red-faced after walking half a mile. I’m active and healthy and damn it all… I WANT TO SEE THOSE MOUNTAINS. I want to KNOW those mountains. I want to walk in those mountains and breathe in that (thin!) air and just see what it looks like from the ground.

Not from the plexiglass window of an airplane.

So I am going to Colorado for a running event/race/camp.

I’m headed to the Transrockies Run.  Kind of what it sounds like…  It’s a 6-day running camp in the Rockies.

I am traveling with Spencer, Dave, Erica and Sean.  And for 6 days we get to run, camp, make new friends and SEE, LEARN, RUN THOSE MOUNTAINS!  120 miles of those mountains.  And about 20,000 feet of vertical climbing in and on and around the Rockies.

It’s epic.  It’s scary.  It’s exciting.  I’ve never done anything like this in my life.  Never thought I could ever do something like this in my life.

Oh… BUT I CAN NOW and you have no idea just how badly I WANT to…!

The old life I lived… I wouldn’t have been in shape to hike anything beyond the parking lot. I couldn’t sit in the car for 120 miles without being in extreme discomfort. I wouldn’t have fit in a sleeping bag.  Sleeping on a sleeping pad, on the ground would be the recipe for never getting back up off the ground.  I wouldn’t have trusted the camp to have enough of the sugary/fat/processed foods I was living on.  I never would have fit in a portable shower stall….  Get the picture as to why I believed something like this would never, ever happen?!

But that’s not my reality anymore. 🙂

I’m really going to try to absorb and enjoy each moment. I intend to enjoy EACH and every single step I get to take in those fabled, rugged and spectacular mountains.

I have worked for 2 years, steadily, to get to the point where I feel I can run the mileage and handle the back-to-back-to-back running.  I know I fit in my sleeping bag 🙂 and I’m totally OK with the food they will be serving.

It’s almost go time.

It’s time to meet those mountains with my very own feet.

We’ll fly over those mountains coming and going from Colorado.  But on the trip home… This time… This time I’ll know as I stare out the window, I’ll know what those mountains actually look like from the ground.

Now I really have to get serious about packing… 🙂

‘The mountains are calling, and I must go.’ — John Muir

photo[1]
Before and after pictures are kind of a crock.  The real changes, the changes that matter the most are the changes of the heart.  The doors opened.  The live you decide to live, instead of just exist or survive.  This picture was 400ish pounds and surviving in the day to day.  SHE’s who I am taking to meet the mountains… 🙂

WHY can’t I take my own advice?

IMG_1741
Wendie and Betsy 2016

 

I weigh the same today as I did last year.

And it’s the same as the year before.

IMG_7972
SAME race 2015, with Spencer

This is 2+ years of stable weight for me.  Ups and downs, but year over year – I am staying almost the same. 🙂

And THAT is a big deal in my world.  A world that was dominated by very consistent weight gains my ENTIRE life.  Mixed-in with radical, unsustainable, starvation-style, short-lived weight losses. Such a life-long, nasty, horrible, depressing cycle.

Until 5 years ago.

I enlisted the help of Wade, Hannah, Liz, Deb and Anneke to be my accountability team and help me get control of my life before Type 2 diabetes and obesity killed me. I carefully tracked my weight loss over the 3 years I was losing and checked in with them all weekly.  But I have only been tracking my ‘stable’ weight for the last year and a half. This was in part prompted by Spencer asking me why I was paralyzed with fear at a ‘small’ weight gain.  I was in total meltdown, convinced I had gained 15 pounds or more overnight.  When we really investigated it and broke it down; it was about a 3 pound weight gain.  It felt MUCH BIGGER. But the truth was that I hadn’t tracked my weight consistently so I had NOTHING factual to go on. So the past 18 months or so I have documented my weight along with my workouts in my Garmin database.   Now I can only argue with graphs and facts.  Not my faulty and anxious memory.

I weigh 172.8 pounds today.

The part no one told me about this whole journey was that every little dip, dive, gain on that scale (Which is ENTIRELY NORMAL) often escalates into emotional drama and fear and over-reaction. I am ashamed to admit how many times I have stepped on the scale multiple times within a single day seeking reassurance or in some way hoping that stupid little machine would banish my fears…

Holy crap has the scale/my weight/a NUMBER had me in a chokehold.

This morning it was in graph form for me to see.  No arguing with anything.  I weigh the same as I did last year.  I told Spencer that my weight is now 2 years stable.  And his response ‘so what does that make you think about…?’

Good question. 🙂

I thought about ALL of the wasted time, drama, energy, self-loathing that have gone into the last few years where I was SURE every single food choice had the ability to catapult me backwards or derail my efforts. Let alone when I let the daily number on the scale dictate my mood for the day…

But this mornings weight and graph were pretty solid proof that I can actually manage my weight with food and activity. I’m doing the right things over the long haul, even if I don’t get the day to day stuff just right. 🙂

This morning’s realization and conversation also got me thinking…  Had I been open-minded at the start of this whole thing and could have listened to and absorbed some grounded advice — what information would have been helpful?

I really wish I could have told myself a few things when I started this whole crazy journey…

Told myself and BELIEVED it…

1. Your weight fluctuates.  Daily. It can go up or down during training.  If you have your period.  If you eat too much salt.  The rotation of the earth. 🙂 Sometimes it’s really legit gain because you ate too many calories because your friend Wendie makes this insane guacamole that you can not stop eating.  But you have to understand that your weight isn’t stable in the day to day. Not gonna happen. Quit even thinking it’s possible. And you know what?  It isn’t meant to be. You thought you got to a number and stayed there with just a little effort?  That this whole bodyweight thing was simple math and cut and dried?  Uh…  HELL NO.

2. Take measurements.  I really WISH I had known how big my hips or belly or thighs were at my largest.  I didn’t take measurements because — hell — who really wants to know that they have a 75” waist?  You will wish you had those body measurements for reference and reassurance in the process. At any point when you’re feeling ‘fat’, stalled or just wondering how far your journey has taken you — you can pull out a tape measure and be assured, well beyond the confines of a stupid scale, that you were NOT gaining anything but muscle or fitness.

3.  Worry is wasted energy.  Spend time looking for solutions and opportunities.

4. And for the love of ALL THAT IS HOLY quit beating yourself up. YOU, who you are at the very CORE of your being, has nothing to do with the number on a scale or the packaging of your body. NOTHING.  Please, oh please, just believe me on this one.  I’m in tears writing this.  I am crying for you and for myself too. Because I know you won’t believe me, you can’t fathom what I’m trying to tell you… This is the last thing you can possibly wrap your mind around when you’ve battled your weight your entire life and a number is staring you in the face — a number you hate.  A number so large you didn’t know the scale went that high. I know that feeling of panicked desperation and hopelessness as well as I know the sound of my own heart beating. Text me, call me, reach out to me and I will spend the rest of my life relentlessly reminding you of your value to our world. I’m a way better judge of your value than a stupid mechanical piece of crap you bought at Costco.

5. Don’t pick a number for a goal.  (See 1.) Don’t pick a clothing size either. That’s really just another number. Pick a feeling, activity, ability, destination.  You want to climb stairs and not be gulping for air?  You want to feel solidly OK with how you feel in your birthday or bathing suit? 🙂  You want to be able to hike, run, walk, move better….  PICK something that isn’t a transient, essentially meaningless, number.

6. Know that the BIG picture is worth all the little steps, mis-steps, concerns, questions, sacrifices. It’s hard work. It’s worth it.  And this is in NO WAY linear.  No way.  There is nothing direct, logical or straight about this path you are on.  And you’re going to be making stuff up as you go.

7. Do NOT let that scale dictate your mood to the world.  It’s up a bit?  DO SOMETHING about it.  Don’t be a bitch. Or walk around like someone ran over your dog. Or have a short fuse with loved ones.  Or start secluding yourself from the people you love because you feel you don’t ‘deserve’ their love or you’re deeply embarrassed. Stop allowing that stupid, effing, scale to affect your mood.

8. Please, please, please love on yourself.  And believe in yourself.  YOU will do this.  And you can’t see the day, but it’s coming; you will be healthy and happy. Your weight should not be allowed to dictate ANY of that.  You have so much to offer the world.  You’re an aunt.  A sister.  A friend.  A daughter.  A momma. A lot of really, really remarkable things that no one else in the whole entire world can possibly be! We were only given ONE of you. One. Do what you can each day to help yourself get healthy so you can be around and enjoy the life in front of you.  Be around for US.

9.  This isn’t a short-term investment.  You will look at something daily and judge it as not moving, plateaued (favorite Weight Watchers scapegoat phrase right there…) failing.  But if you can just HANG ON and look at this from the 3,000 foot view, look at this from a 365-day investment — you will see growth.  YOU WILL.  Really!  Keep at it.  You didn’t gain the weight over night.  You will not lose it overnight. Trite and irritating – but TRUE.

10. One of my favorite songs of all times is ‘Live Like You Were Dying’ by Tim McGraw.  You’re living this weight loss journey with a lot of fear.  Fear of going backwards.  Fear of judgement.  Fear of FAILURE…  What if…?  Holy smokes.  The fear you have embraced and live with could choke an elephant. What if you could just enjoy the journey for what it was and live each day like you are trying to be your very best? Living like you’re dying doesn’t mean you live with no consequences for your choices.  It means you accept each day, each moment for what it is and keep moving toward the goal you want to reach…


Even though I was intellectually aware of all of this,  I sure as hell did not understand it.  Couldn’t figure out how to apply it to my situation.  None of it.  I know that until very recently I simply wasn’t ready to hear it,  understand it.

Today prompted a lot of thinking.

This time I really am listening. 🙂

I hope that anyone else who might need to hear this is listening as well…

 

marilyn-ad-nike

5 years.

248231_10150320004126258_5696017_n

It’s been 5 years since I started this whole wild, crazy, life-saving journey.

1,825 days spent working to change my ways.

Most of those days I worked hard, got it right, or at the very least I tried to make the smartest choice I could at any given moment.

Some of those days I just held on for dear life.

A few of those days were walks backwards. Regressions, lessons, pity parties and more than a few tears…

I am 5 years in today — with hopefully many, many years in front of me.  I am cherishing the time that this lifestyle change bought me; time I plan to continue to use to love, adventure, run, grow, LIVE…

I have been handed a second chance at life and I am not going to waste a single moment.

Five(ish) years ago my doctor basically told me I could be dead in 5 years if I didn’t make a serious change in my life.  Obesity, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol were taking their toll.

Here we are 5 year later…

And I’ve made some serious changes.


I love when someone close to me — who KNOWS what I have been through says … ‘Five years ago would you have ever guessed…?’

The answer is always ‘no.’

Always.

I knew things had to change. But let’s be honest… I really had NO idea how this whole ’embracing a healthy lifestyle’ thing would go.

Or what I would gain.  Learn.  Love.

How radically different my life would become.

There are inspirational quotes that speak to this — but in reality that time was going to pass anyway.  Each day was marching forward no matter what. I could have used those 1,800 days to hone my skills with needles/meds/glucose monitors and gotten to know even more fast food drive-thrus and bought more ill-fitting clothes in the largest sizes possible.  I could’ve kept marching toward a sure and early grave, merely treating the disease as I gave up trying to save my own life.

Not to be all dramatic or anything — but seriously?  That is exactly what I was doing…

Instead…

I woke up July 2 five years ago and I began to fight.

I built and then clung to a team of support people.

I was fiercely determined to find a way to make this work.

I started to eat less and move more.  I started losing weight and gaining control of my blood sugars.

A year in, I kicked diabetes to the curb.

I found running after a lifetime of saying I would only ‘run when chased’.  And then fell head over heels (pun intended, although I really have fallen on my face a few times…) in love with running.  Trail running to be specific.

IMG_6957-web

I’ve worn tight/short spandex shorts in public.  Many times. 🙂 I’ve even run in just shorts and sports bra.

IMG_5962

I can cross my legs. I can see my feet. I can fit in an airplane seat. 🙂

And then there’s the whole bathing suit thing… 🙂

IMG_1435

I still have to watch portions.  I still fret over the scale. I still feel like a 392 pound woman walking around some days. But I NOW have tools and people and goals that make all of those issues seems less-important and way less all-consuming than they were even a year ago…

Nothing happened overnight.  It was tons and tons of little baby steps on a wild roller coaster ride.

But I never, ever could have guessed where this was all headed or how my life,  body and health would change.


If you would have told me 5 years ago that I was going to be able to use my story of being morbidly obese, Type 2 Diabetic, inactive, really just ambling around and waiting to die….  If you would have told me that I was going to be HELPING others to try to reclaim their lives, I would have told you that you had lost your mind.

And yet that’s the biggest gift of this whole endeavor.

Meeting people like me.  People facing triple-digit weight loss, stern orders from Docs to ‘do or die’ and the inability to even know how to take that first horrifically-frightening step forward to save their own life.

I know how they feel.

I was THERE.

I remember going to bed on July 1st terrified out of my mind at what I was about to embark on.  And yet MORE terrified of what my life would be like in 5 years if I didn’t get started.  I don’t remember sleeping very well that night. 🙂  But I remember that when I woke up on July 2, 2011 — my feet hit the floor and I KNEW in my heart and soul that this time, this TIME, I was going to be successful in making some big changes. My life depended on it.


I’m not done.

I committed to this change for life.  I’m still learning and growing and changing.  And it’s not linear. There are still good days, bad days and habits that have to be shaken off or replaced.  I’m really not done. 🙂

But every single day is a gift.

The people in my life are blessings beyond words.

The people who started this journey with me, the ones who run beside me now and the ones in between at every cross/turn/bump who supported, cajoled, questioned and supported me.  It’s an entire, bustling village full of people who got me to this point.

This girl has a heart bursting with gratitude and joy.

IMG_6364

 

 

 

 

Sticks and Stones and words…

Processed with VSCO with g3 preset
Happy, fit and READY to run.  Photo by the one and only Patrick Means.

‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

As a trail runner — sticks and stones are common foes.  My friend Josh calls me ‘Princess Faceplate’.  For good reason.  I’ve earned the nickname.

Nothing serious has ever transpired for me personally – and I will admit that there have been some close calls.  I have friends that have met worse fates, serious injuries, broken bones, even career ending injuries. It’s part of what we take on when we hit the trails…  Tripping, falling, scrapes, blood, wounds, stick-‘snakes’, etc…

But when I really got to thinking about it; some of the worst wounds are inflicted with words…

I was running along thinking ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?  That old childhood saying a total and complete load of crap!

Some of the words said to me and some of the others folks I know have been imminently hurtful and often-times it’s from a source that has NO CLUE they’ve lobbed something hurtful in our direction.

For me, people commenting on my weight or how my body looks (‘too big to be a runner’ is the one I can’t seem to forget) send me into a tailspin. Every time. I’ve done a TON of work on trying to get over this issue. A ton.

Then I found this great blog post and realized — I’m not alone.  I’m not the only one who would prefer a scrapped knee to a comment that I can’t dislodge from my brain. I am not alone by an epic long shot.  And that actually makes me sad.

Give the article a read.

Critique of the Female Trail Runner

No really… Go back and read it.

I can’t stop thinking about it.

And since some of you won’t read it; here’s the gist…  It details some of the hurtful, rude and mean things that are said to some of the top, elite, wildly-talented, healthy female athletes in ultra running.

After a conversation with my friend Rebecca the other day — we pretty quickly agreed that this article could apply to ANY sport/event/venue/issue/person.

This issue isn’t just about running.

Negative comments, critiquing of others, being treated rudely or having thoughtless words  cast our way is something we have probably all dealt with.  And I know from conversations with my guy friends; this isn’t limited to women.  There is a WHOLE lot about someone you can’t see/don’t know — and commenting just makes things worse for that person.

And we all pretty agree these days that cowards/bullies hide behind social media to say things they would NEVER say to someone’s face.

 

Telling someone she looks ‘too thin’ isn’t going to help her on her road to recovery from anorexia. Telling me that you ‘didn’t know women my size’ could run is not helpful to me in maintaining my weight and my commitment to fitness.  Telling my friend recovering from a serious accident that she looks ‘scrawny and weak’ is NOT a confidence builder on this woman’s road to rebuilding her fitness and stamina.

NONE of us know anyone else full backstories or struggles, our passions, our fights, our desires — we so, so often take one look at the physical shell and make a comment based on how someone looks.

That’s not helpful or kind.

And shouldn’t we really endeavor – in this harsh, tough world – to help and encourage others and show them kindness when we can?

It’s really pretty simple.

Just my opinion.

Now, go read the article. 🙂

And if you want to read some more good stuff — visit their website at Trailsisters.net

IMG_9068
Dug.  My favorite Disney character. He loves everyone.

Fat in California…

IMG_1902-3
American River and the town of Auburn are behind us. Spence and I are heading out to run the Quarry Trail.

I am a California native.

In thinking about it on todays run… I spent all of the time I was an adult and working in California obese, inactive, eating all the wrong things.

I am not really exaggerating.

There were times where I would start a diet, try to get active, only to give it all up in a freaking hurry. As soon as I got hungry or sore – I would quit. And then gain even more weight. Like probably 30 different times. Hell. Maybe 50. Or more. You get the point.

IMG_5633
Easily 350 pounds and 20 years ago.

I see California as my ‘fat’ young adult years.

It’s where pre-diabetes walked in the door and would soon refuse to leave. I don’t have memories of California that aren’t of me as an obese adult. Happy, but the obesity and type 2 Diabetes were escalating rapidly.

Doing something new that I never knew existed always makes me introspective… And this time doing something new in California – in a place I drove by for decades – made me sappy, happy, grateful. I mean this is a place that could have been my stomping grounds had I been in any shape to have been stomping around.

Spencer and I along with our friend and fellow ultra-runner Josh Hough are in Auburn, California this weekend to run in a training camp.  We will run 70 miles of the Western States Endurance Run 100 course over the next 3 days.  Spencer and I did this training camp last year and it is ahhhmazing.  Running a historic course. Non race event, just long training runs that are supported. Surrounded by amazing athletes and folks passionate about the sport of trail running.

This year our road-trip brigade came down a day early to get our bearings, get set-up and simply spend one day relaxing.

Turns out that none of us are very good at relaxing. 🙂

Spencer and I went for a run this morning on a new-to-me trail that is right off of a highway I traveled for decades with my family and during College.

I was telling Spencer that my life is just still so surreal on a few levels.

Being in California, eating plant based, running…  Those are all things I could NEVER, ever have imagined when I was living in California.  I found myself thinking  about 6 different times this morning… ‘WOW! Is this really my life now?!’

I’ve driven by this spot for 20+ years and never thought for a split second about trails in all the years we drove by.  This specific freeway off-ramp had ALL the good fast food you could possibly want before heading up 84 to Tahoe.  I know those locations by heart.

I never thought I’d be back here one day and parking at a trail head so we could go run alongside the American River for a few miles.

Who knew?

I never imagined I would want to climb the trails in the Sierra’s, or run on them, or care deeply about treading the ground of a historic running race.

IMG_1908-1

Yet, here I am.

And I’m loving this view and experience of California that requires me to get off of the roads, explore  and eat healthy and move along under my own power.  And explore!

I am happy and healthy and do NOT take any of that for granted for even one second.

I have been given the second chance at life. Not everyone gets that chance.  I won’t waste it.

I will use this weekend to build new and healthy memories in the state that I grew up in.

IMG_1913-3
I love the Cali trails.  And they loved me right back.