binge eating disorder

Mending a friendship.

~ betsyhartley392 ~ 4 Comments
Middle Sister, Pacific Crest Trail, Three Sisters Wilderness. Picture: Michelle Thompson

I ran and hiked 34 miles (52K) last Wednesday for my 52nd birthday. This was my first ultra distance adventure since the end of 2017. Five day after the run I’m still avoiding stairs and in the process of losing a few toenails, yet I am also enjoying a huge sense of accomplishment and feeling like I have welcomed back a long-lost friend.

November of 2017 I sought treatment for Binge Eating Disorder (BED). I had a lifetime of weird habits, horribly convoluted relationships with food, distorted body image and non-existent emotional coping skills. Yet I never knew it had an actual name. It does. Or that other people suffered like I did. They do. Or that it could be successfully treated. It can. I thought it was just me and I was ‘broken’ and food was an adversary I would fight my entire life. I would soon learn that for me, BED wasn’t actually even about food at all. I had developed ALL kinds of ways to deny, hide, manage the problem. (Blog here)

I had to take some important steps right off the bat. One of those steps was that I needed to back off of running. Running and coping and food were ALL tangled up and confused in my mind. In the desperation to hide what I couldn’t name, but absolutely knew was not normal, I had somehow turned running into a weapon. Pretty much overnight running went from being a friend to being an enemy.

To start the healing – I had to break those convoluted relationships up. It tossed ALL the things in my still-mostly-new-to-me healthy life into wild disorder. The only way I thought I knew to manage my weight and blood glucose was through running. with running in a greatly reduced role, I instantly started gaining weight and had to really watch my glucose readings as I learn how to manage these relationships independently. As someone who’d lost significant weight and gained an abundance of health through running; it was terrifying for me to grapple with running NOT being part of my life. And while I missed running, oddly I also started to fear, dislike, not trust running because it would trigger intense binging urges…

Ugh.

It’s been the past 6-8 months where I finally started to understand all the parts of the work I am doing were finally coming together; I was healing and getting stronger and even I could see it.

Time to hit the trails.

I stepped onto the dirt last Wednesday morning at 5 AM, headlamp blazing, with my friend Michelle Thompson, to leg out 34 miles (a course designed by Michelle). I wanted to see if I’d done enough work that running could be back in my life and not be a trigger for the eating disorder. And let’s face it; I’m 52 and if I’d clung to my old habits I wouldn’t even be alive to try this crazy experiment. And I know that. So I simply enjoy the hell out of each year that I get to celebrate being another year older. So this year we ran in the mountains. Climbing hills and crossing water. Stopping in our tracks to look at toads, rock formations, animal tracks (cougar!), flowers, wildfire burn scars and mountain peaks that are some of the prettiest in the whole world. Peeing in the woods – and in my own shoe at mile 3. Filtering our own water. Laughing, joking, crying and sharing trail-time with a soul-sister. Meeting friends at the end who came to cheer on the adventure. It was a magical day. Sitting here 4-5 days post-run when the binge urges would normally be active and showing themselves in full force; there’s only sore muscles, black toenails and some pretty soul-deep peace and calm. And I’m so happy to be feeling these feelings.

This was a carefully considered experiment with running to see if I could put all the pieces together and if we could all be friends again.

It really was a reunion of sorts.

A very happy reunion.

{Important note; as I worked toward this ‘experiment’ and continue to work to bring running back to a healthy spot in my life, my therapist is supportive and fully aware of what I’m doing.}

In the midst of COVID-19 things have gotten worse for those with previously stable eating disorders (here). I kept hearing anecdotal stories from friends about how their ED’s were out of control. I knew I was battling it as well. Some people are learning about eating disorders for the very first time.

You are not alone. No matter how twisted your world is with food/activity; you are NOT alone. Click here for resources that are free or low cost.

There is hope and help. You can heal from eating disorders.

South Sister, Pacific Crest Trail, Three Sisters Wilderness. Picture; Michelle Thompson

Concussion (Knocking the brain around…)

~ betsyhartley392 ~ 1 Comment

Your brain is encased in bone for a reason. And when it collides with that bone – things happen…. Bad things.

Most know the bad parts of concussions – and I’m learning that those symptoms and issues vary for everyone, cause of accident and severity. And then positive outcomes seem to vary based on compliance for recovery. You don’t do the right things – you just keep setting yourself back.

I’m not always compliant. To this – I am being obnoxiously compliant.

Lots of water, limited screen time, blue-blocker glasses, keeping stress low, lots of sleep, frequent naps just to close my eyes and maybe a few more naps. I’m keeping my nutrition on point.

While there were some really bad times and symptoms that would stop me in my tracks… There’s also some good that has come about for me in this situation and that is still kind of a shocker…

Good from a concussion? Yes…

I’m funnier. Maybe not a ton funnier – but I swear, I’m funnier. Or maybe it’s just that I’m laughing at myself more. Either way – there’s more laughter in my life. And that’s awesome.

I’m more patient. People are having to express patience with me and my slow thinking and my one arm… While I’m struggling for words, or how to express an emotion or prioritize the need for help or say things I just KNOW coming out of my mouth make no sense… I seem to understand that MAYBE others around me are dealing with something I can’t see or some reason they aren’t in a hurry. And I’m totally OK with that shift to patience. I hate that I can be an impatient asshole sometimes and I’m thinking this perspective shift that humans need a little more patience in their lives is necessary and good – and I’m embracing it.

Binge eating disorder (BED). I hit the ground and gave the almighty amygdala (brain) something ELSE to worry about. And the compulsions surrounding BED seems to be on hiatus. I KNOW I’m not ‘cured’… But this break from those compulsions is a welcomed respite and proof that I can work to gain some relief when it does return. I’d fallen in a 17 month-long pit thinking that those compulsions lurking around every corner were just the new reality for me. This concussion proves that’s not the case. And this gives me hope. Lots of hope.

Help. Asking for help. Struggling through an issue on my own. I’m independent. I really prefer to GIVE help. But I’ve had to ask for help. From little things to big things to embarrassing thing. It’s been a good lesson in letting people help me… Washing hair, running errands, asking questions I know I should know the answers to… And I reached out to others with concussions asking them for their advice and help and to tell me their stories and warnings and best advice. And begging them to tell me that this would get better. Listening intently. And then writing stuff down because I am super forgetful right now. (Thank you Sophia for that tip!) All of this is a great reminder of how I can ask for and give help in the future and stay connected to others who’ve been in my shoes. Humbling, heartfelt reminders are always a good thing…

I’m healing. I’m 28 days post-wreck. Bones mending. I’m barely going to have a scar because my surgeon was amazing. And the concussion symptoms are getting fewer, less, smaller…. And I am heeding all the warnings to enjoy the healing and keep following the precautions.

I lost about 10-14 days of memories post-wreck. I have snippets of memories and snapshots during that time, but it’s sketchy and filled with holes. I spent a lot of time confused and scared and wondering if this was the new normal. I had frequent headaches, blurry vision and would get super fatigued simply from keeping my eyes open. And I’m happy to be on the other side of the worst of it.

It hasn’t all been bad. And that’s pretty damn good.

Ultras/Binge Eating Disorder

~ betsyhartley392 ~ 12 Comments

20170312_101129

I know this topic is likely to be too obscure for some folks. I’m really writing this for my ultra running friends. Hoping to start a conversation or get their help in making some connections or get your thinking on this topic…

For me, ultras and Binge Eating Disorder (BED) are inextricably and pretty wickedly connected. From the first ‘Holy shit, could this really be what’s happening?’ moment to the ‘Wow. Makes sense even though I detest the idea…’ moment it took me about 6 months to puzzle it out.

The information I can find about Eating Disorders are mainly about Anorexia or Bulimia. Like this great read from Trail Runner Magazine which covers a whole lot of valuable ground. Yet, I can not find anything about the ties between ultras/endurance and BED specifically. I can’t be the only one dealing with this. When you mesh the Google ‘percentage of U. S. population…’ stats of ultras at .5% and BED at 3%, statistically, I still don’t think I can be alone in this mess.

What forced the issue? An acute episode of BED rearing its ugly head along with a planned off-season/down-time from running. (My blog about it is here…)

Running was no longer there to hide behind.

It’s absence made things brutally and undeniably clear.

I was hiking one day and was gobsmacked with the realization that I was using running to hide/feed the BED. It was this nasty, covert, and destructive cycle that I couldn’t really see because I was so deeply in it. I wasn’t running from something or even too something.  I was running FOR something.  And not for something good or worthwhile or sustainable.

I stopped in my tracks.

Sat my butt down on the side of the trail and wrote some notes on my phone while a newt cruised by to see what I was doing.

This felt BIG.

Here’s what I wrote on my phone: “I love long runs and hate tapering. I run long (5+ hours) and I have ‘permission’ to eat anything and everything in any quantities I want.  When I taper, food gets restricted, weight creeps up. I run long, eat how I want and basically don’t get ‘caught’ bingeing because the huge volume of food I’m eating is ‘acceptable’. Tapering unleashes sneaky-ass behaviors that I thought I’d banished once and for all. Including lying about food.’

BED brain thinks about food as an acceptable/necessary/urgent replacement for something missing or to fill an emotional need.  This has NOTHING to do with hunger.  Not.a.single.thing. For me food can take the place of damn near every emotion on the spectrum.  I’m just as likely to eat that emotion in the form of trail mix as I am to actually feel and experience it. No amount of cajoling/shaming/lecturing can fix it.  I’ve often said ‘pizza was never mean to me…’   When you have THAT kind of relationship with food you need professional help.

Running gave me the ability to ignore/continue/not-fight with my BED all in the name of ‘recovery from ultras/training’.  I wasn’t running for the love of running.  I was very much running to manage my weight since I binge, but I don’t purge…  I was very much running to make the occasional huge volume of food I was eating not look out of whack.

I was running to hide my eating disorder.  Even when I didn’t know that what I had was an eating disorder.

Eff.

I was ready to face all of this and not ignore it or hide it anymore. Scared shitless, but ready. I needed help beyond caring and concerned friends. After muscling my way through the post-acute phase of intense blues / shame / depression / anxiety / hopelessness / panic that lasts for several days after a binging episode…

I got into therapy.

My brand new therapist immediately, like first 20 minutes of first session, said running was an issue. I immediately told her she was dead wrong. Not politely.  I was rude and defiant. Defiance is my go to when I’m ashamed and someone’s getting close to the reason for the shame or embarrassment.

I flat out denied the connection. I lost 200 pounds, reversed Type 2 Diabetes. Running had SAVED me. Who the hell was this woman to say running was part of the current problem? Was she not listening to me? ….

The therapist quickly said we could agree to disagree about the role of running in my eating disorder. We would focus on other things. {Smart ploy…} That lasted two sessions.  I began to honestly assess what I was doing and why. Journaling impulses, noting emotions and starting to make tentative connections between feelings and food.

Damn if she wasn’t right…

Writing everything down it was impossible to ignore the connection. Running sat smack in the middle of the BED pile. It was about 2 sessions in where I had to concede she had a point.

More than a point. Ultra running was the 500 pound gorilla in the room.

I hadn’t replaced food with running.  I had used running to hide, enable and deny my BED. A crucial distinction. I hadn’t let go of ONE thing and grasped tightly onto something new.  I hadn’t given up anything at all.  I’d just masked what in the hell was really going on.

I think the college students I worked with would call that a HOT MESS.

Ultras and BED are married up in epically dysfunctional fashion for me.

As long as I ran long, I could pretend that eating 3,000+ calories at a single time after a long run was ‘normal recovery’.  Eating whatever I wanted for the week of a 60+ mile week was acceptable. I basically kept signing up for races to make sure I still had high mileage weeks and really full training schedules so that my bingeing wouldn’t be detected or life would seem ‘normal’ because of the training load and my food intake.

Eff.

So what now?  Great question. I have some tentative answers.

  • Awareness is a huge part of the battle. Talking about it. Knowing that my ultra friends support me when I get ‘wonky’ about food or food discussions.
  • Not running ultras or being lured in by Ultrasignup for a while is my main strategy for staying focused.  I needed a break from running.  I’m using this downtime in all the best ways possible. And NOT viewing it as punishment.
  • Rebuilding my running from the ground up when the time comes to hit the trails again. Slowly, carefully. Knowing food is fuel and that’s the only place it will hold in my running.

I didn’t take on this whole lifestyle change to give up when things got hard.

I will be running again, soon, for all the right reasons.

 

 

 

Binge Eating Disorder. (Getting things in order…)

~ betsyhartley392 ~ 7 Comments

Processed with VSCO with g3 preset

Thirteen weeks since I last grappled with a binge. There’s been many subsequent days of battling the compulsion and feeling ‘frantic’ about food.  But it’s been a solid three months since I actively binged.

I am now working to face emotions instead of feeding them.

Turns out that’s a 24/7 project.

Bottom line? It’s messy and not linear and kinda scary and yet it’s going well.  Honest.

Now that I know what I’m facing, it’s easier to fight back.

I will openly admit that there have been days of ‘white knuckling it’. Days of constant annoying/low-level struggle around food and more intense binge-compulsion feeling from sun-up/sun-down. Moments of laughter, realization, grief, melt-downs and giddy successes.

And *whew* an increasing number of recent days that I really do feel sane and balanced.

Some really wonderful people have reached out offering support, encouragement and telling me their stories as a result of my blog about Binge Eating Disorder (BED).

I quickly figured out I was not alone, not a whole lot of people talk openly about BED and not everyone knows how to help someone in their life struggling with BED.

I wanted to figure out what caused or triggered this episode, so that I can avoid a repeat.

I reached the conclusion that it was no single thing; it was the perfect storm of a whole bunch of stuff that unleashed this specific binge.  I had BED hidden, pretending fervently that it did NOT exist anymore and tightly controlled with rules/habits/’should’s’.

And then it was loose. And running wild.

It was there all along, no matter what I thought.  I just hit the right set of conditions and it roared to life.

I’d had an off year running (4 races, 3 DNF’s), was burned out on running/routine/journaling food/watching the scale, work stresses and successes.  I have some big, exciting life changes I’m working to make happen. Lots of good and some not so good.  Not all of it in my immediate control.

Uh… Life.

You know.

Just life.

Stuff I’d been dealing with for a long time and convinced I was balancing quite well. Suddenly ‘it’ was the straw that simply broke this camel’s back…

After a four day binge on trail mix, I found myself sad and panicked and needing help to battle this really big, pissed-off demon.

So I have been working on getting the help I need.  This is roughly what my recovery plan looks like at this point…

 

  • Found a new therapist. We meet weekly.
  • Reached out to friends in recovery from eating disorders and asked for their support and accountability.
  • Took things out of my eating/living environment that were just not helping.
  • Changed some of my shopping/eating/snacking habits.
  • Avoided high risk situations until I’m feeling more ‘in control’.
  • Food journaling before I choose to eat anything (MyFitnessPal) and food/emotion journaling if I stumble or struggle (Moodnotes).
  • Meditation in the mornings.
  • Mindful running.
  • ‘Feeling my feelings’ and not hiding my tears or joy or fears.

All to keep from cramming fistfuls of trail mix in my face.

Learning to identify and face my emotions, appropriately.  Learning to feed my body, lifestyle and running, appropriately.

I mistake or mask pretty much any emotion a human can possibly experience as ‘hunger’ and then eat my emotions.

Have for as far back as I can remember. Decades of experience acknowledging/denying/ignoring an emotion. Happy or sad — doesn’t seem to matter. Then deciding eating is the best possible solution to dealing with fear, happiness, anger, sadness, joy, lack of belonging…

Food is comfort, problem and ‘answer’ all in one.

I’m rudely breaking them the hell up.

Figuring out what emotions are, how they feel, how to feel them, how not to feed them.  That’s what I’m learning.

I was standing in front of the frig the other day.  Opening, closing, opening, closing, opening the doors….  Trying really hard to figure out if I was TRULY hungry.  I looked like I was fanning myself with the door.

“Am I hungry (open), or am I feeling sad (close)?  Am I hungry or am I feeling anxious?  Am I hungry or did I get my feelings hurt?”  I couldn’t figure out the answer.  I grabbed some water and walked away from the frig. Sat myself in a time out. Did a really quick scan from head to toe to see if I was feeling the emotions ANYWHERE else besides my belly…  I’d had a pretty big run and was increasing mileage for the week.  Thought carefully about the stresses of the day/week. Scanning my food journal…  Decided that I really was truly, belly-hungry.  HAHAHA! ALL of that thinking and pondering and wondering — I really, truly was hungry for some calories.

So I ate. One portion of something healthy and filling. 🙂

While this is funny and I highlighted it in detail, on purpose — this decision making about hunger/feelings is something I’m suddenly very aware of. And I’m going through the exercise of thinking about hunger a WHOLE lot these days.  A whole lot in a single day.

A study by Cornell University estimates that ‘normal’ humans (most of you!) make over 200 food related decisions a day.

200 decision. A DAY.

Go to bed, wake up, start making another 200 decisions…

WHEW.

No wonder fighting an eating disorder is EXHAUSTING work.

To those who have BED… Don’t suffer alone and don’t hide. BED loves it/thrives/GROWS when we hide and suffer.  Do NOT give it that edge, do not give it that power over your life… Do NOT feed it. (Get the pun?!)

Binge Eating Disorder

~ betsyhartley392 ~ 31 Comments

I still make myself laugh sometimes.  I really thought when I started this healthy lifestyle journey that I would reach an ‘end.’  That some of the ‘bad’ things would disappear and no longer be an issue.

Joke’s on me.

A weight on the scale? Permanently changed/banished behaviors? Some sort of finish line?

I really had no idea what I thought would be the ‘end’, but I was so sure there was one. I thought that once I got healthy, got to a normal weight that some of these problems would simply just disappear.

They don’t.

Who knew?

An old friend came to visit two weeks ago.

And that’s totally a euphemism for ‘something shitty that I was really, fervently hoping I had killed/abolished/changed/was going to stay the HELL GONE FOREVER just knocked me on my ass… ‘

My old friend showed up again.

I was am a binge eater.

I always dressed that up, when I had to say anything at all, and said I was a compulsive overeater. Which is true — that’s a component of the problem I battle.

Overeating can be sporadic, no guilt/shame, just a bad habit.  An overly full belly from time to time

Binge eating is a whole different animal.

Binge eating disorder (BED). “BED is a medical condition, and it’s the most common eating disorder in the United States. People with BED regularly eat large amounts of food while experiencing a sense of loss of control over the eating episode. They often feel guilt or shame after eating. Characterized by eating when not physically hungry.’

Hunger has NOTHING to do with it. Nothing.

Binge eating sucks.  Big time.

There I said it.

For me a binge gets started when I’m sad, not being active and things feel increasingly out of control.  The more of that toxic combination there is in my life, the more I lean toward food for gaining that control, that ‘love’, that comfort…

I know binge eating is an issue for people — one we do NOT talk about.  Yet BED is the most common eating disorder in the US. ( Healthline). I know from conversations, texts, emails, FB messages that this is not something I’m suffering with alone. There’s a bunch of you out there suffering quietly. Miserably.

Last big binge for me was before my mom died.  Over 8 years ago.  2009.  I’ve done some overeating in that time since, for sure.  But not a planned, purposeful binge.

I thought I’d ‘cured’ binge eating.  Or had it buried deep and totally under control.

Until 2 weeks ago.

This binge caught me totally by surprise and none of my new, healthy, hard-fought habits were worthy of stopping it.

It scared the shit out of me. And I couldn’t stop it.

The binge lasted 4 days.

No one knew I was doing it.  When I finally reached out for help the friend I told said ‘I didn’t know you were binging’…  To which my reply was ‘Because I didn’t want you to know.  I’m damn good at this shit.  Damn good.  If I didn’t want you to know, you would never know. But I need you to know now and I need help.’

I can tell you that as far as binging goes — I had not lost any of my skills…  This episode was methodical, anticipated, carefully planned, enjoyed, deeply hidden, devastatingly successful.  I was thrilled to be doing it.  Mortified when I was in the midst of it. Sad and broken and totally beaten down after the first bite.

I reached out for help at day 4.

I quickly got appropriate help. I got support.  I was reminded that I am loved.

I was also harshly reminded that this is a cunning foe that I have to keep working to learn and understand.

So what was the binge?

Trail mix.  Freaking Costco trail mix.  I bought 4 bags. They each weigh 4 pounds.   I paid cash.  I ate a bag a day for 4 days. I ate it all day long.  Quietly, a serving at a time. Hidden away and portioned out so no one would suspect or question or figure out what was going on.

Your mind is trying to do the math. I’ll save you the effort…  Each bag was 36 servings with 9,600 calories per bag.  38,400 calories, 3,360 grams of carbs over 4 days. (In my healthy eating ‘norm’ I eat about 1,500 cals, and limit carbs to 90 grams per day…)

Yeah.  The scope of this binge is even more horrifying when you put all the numbers on paper.

And I was also eating ‘regular’ meals so that no one would catch on to my binge eating.

And entire bag a day, for four days. 

I was somehow able to stop the binge, even though I still felt totally out of control and sad and frantic.  I reached out, which goes totally against ALL instincts in a binge eating haze. And then I began to battle the shame and guilt and failure that comes on the heels of losing total control over food.  The shame and guilt of hiding my binge. Feeling isolated and alone and terrified I would be found out. Or that it wouldn’t stop.  Or that all of my hard work to learn to run and reverse T2 diabetes and lose weight would be GONE because I could not/WOULD NOT stop eating.

This is an old friend I would be happy to never, ever see again.

I simply have to understand that s/he may show up again at any time for the rest of my life.